Month: December 2012

Christmas baking and revelations

Baking and cooking in general comes easy to me. Might be the italian blood curling through my veins might be my love to surround myself with nice people and be social might be that I’m just good at it. Either way I love cooking and I mourn the fact that I lost so much of this love during the course of the last two years. But slowly and steadily I am fighting my way back to this love. And I won’t lie to you it feels fucking amazing.
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I don’t want to, please don’t make me

I am staying with my family in Cologne for the holidays and I expect trouble of the high emotional kind. Last year I came clean about my bulimia, money and life and that didn’t go down to easily. This year I might be a little bit wiser about the nature of my condition but sadly no more accomplished in handling it than I was the year before. So many new kinds of emotions are going to hammer down on me any minute now. (more…)

Some seriously important lightbulb-action going on here

I just figured something very important out. Several things to be precise.

On a more general note: One reason why I have not been able to sustain a healthy relationship is because whenever I might have the possibility of being happy I automatically manipulate said relationship to the point where I can be hurt by it. Why am I doing this? Because I ultimately don’t believe that I am worthy of someone else’s love and therefor no one can love me. Also and maybe more importantly, I use relationships, intimate, friendly or social, as problem behaviour meaning I use them to redirect myself in an ultimately harmful way whenever I am not able to cope with my emotions. This is a borderline dysfunction similar to cutting – which I don’t do – and binging/purging – which unfortunately I do. (more…)

The Unraveling, Bulimia Part 1

The Unraveling, cumulating with me trying to leave myself bloodless on the floor of my apartment in 2012, has been going on for at least three years. But it really started to make an impact when, in the spring of 2011, I decided to finally be done with pretending to be studying. I hadn’t gone to any seminar in quite some time and mostly used my state as a student to catch free rides on the public transit und work as a research assistant for a really nice and patient man. (more…)