I have a borderline personality disorder, that makes me do stuff I mostly don’t want to do. In most cases I don’t even know its borderline that’s making me do things. – Oh yeah that makes sense allright!
I have just been diagnosed earlier this year, so right now I don’t know shit about anything. I have been living with myself for so long now, I figured it was just my screwed up little self that is getting in the way of me being happy.
Now they tell me, it’s not just you, it’s borderline. So yay, for I have finally someone/something other to blame than my fucked up mother and my slightly less fucked up self. And nay, for who the fuck am I?. At first I was happy. I thought borderline could explain everything away. My shitty work life, my feeling alone all the time, my being generally not very happy. But that didn’t last very long. Because the more I learned about borderline the less I understood about myself. There is so fucking much more to learn, understand and process about this illness and the things it does to me. Before I can change anything about my self I have to dig deep into the past and confront myself with myself. -Does this make any sense outside of my brain?
I am so fucking afraid of this process. I would do anything not to have to do this! There is a reason why I have become who and how I am today. And I am afraid to find out what this reason is. Logically I am aware that this knowledge might very well liberate me to step out of my, not so very comfortable, comfort zone. But then what? Am I going to be someone new? Improved? Slightly less mouthy? Way less judgemental? Better at Chess? Even better at Trivial Pursuit?!
Who/What do I want do be?