Paradise is not untroubled

I am having trouble with my flatmate B..

In and of it self nothing special. But try as I might, I can’t ignore it.

We’ve been living together for nearly four years, have known each other for nearly seven. And last year, in my time of crisis, she was the one person who knew everything about me, who did not judge in any way, who I could count on unconditionally. Since then I’ve had one suicide attempt, two in-patient treatments and one borderline diagnosis on my dancing card.

Our living arrangement has an expiration date. She is going to move out in March. I’ve tried to pull back a little – after all I’m trying to keep responsibility for myself with myself and don’t force it on others – nip our codependency in the butt and give her and myself some much needed breathing space. She is working on her examination paper and studying for her last exams, she needs me and my problems like a fish need air.

Right now it seems that we will drift apart much sooner than March. She has been fasting for the last two weeks and there have been some major changes in our household since then. For example, we don’t usually keep our individual room doors closed. Sometimes when one feels quite desolate and depressed and does not wish anyone to intrude onto this wave of – let’s call it by its name – self-pity, one closes ones room door to signal some much needed alone time to the outside party. This has been working for four years now. Suddenly her door is locked all the time, except when I’m not around – figures. At first I knew she needed this time alone. Fasting is no easy task and you need some serious mind power to stay on course. So I accepted it without blabbing around. And of course made her own pot of tea. I am an avid green and black drinker and she needed, and generally prefers it anyway, the herbs and fruits stuff for the fasting.

But now it’s been a few days since her fast break and nothing has changed. She still keeps her door locked, she still cooks her own tea. Not a major deal, I know, but something that feels just wrong after four years of doing it differently. All in all, she is keeping her distance from me. At least that’s how it feels to me.

Through all this I have unfortunately developed my own way of dealing with her and the dissociation I’m feeling. I am being cranky with her, everything she sais is grating on my nerves, everything she does is wrong, nothing she does can please me. And of course her solution is to backtrack even further away from me.

Now what do I do? This whole thing will explode in my face, sooner rather than later and I don’t know how to deal with it.


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