I just figured something very important out. Several things to be precise.
On a more general note: One reason why I have not been able to sustain a healthy relationship is because whenever I might have the possibility of being happy I automatically manipulate said relationship to the point where I can be hurt by it. Why am I doing this? Because I ultimately don’t believe that I am worthy of someone else’s love and therefor no one can love me. Also and maybe more importantly, I use relationships, intimate, friendly or social, as problem behaviour meaning I use them to redirect myself in an ultimately harmful way whenever I am not able to cope with my emotions. This is a borderline dysfunction similar to cutting – which I don’t do – and binging/purging – which unfortunately I do.
More specifically: I am in some kind of platonic relationship with a guy (let’s call him S. for convenience sake, he might be here for some time and you might hear about him some more) I quite fancied when we first met. Owing to his mental instability and yes also my mental instability nothing amorous ever developed between us. Right now we are in some kind of limbo where he seldom contacts me and whenever he does it makes me feel like shite. Until today I figured it was his way of handling things that made me feel like yesterdays meatloaf. But lo and behold it’s not him at all (well his conduct is sometimes not very civilised, but some people are just not good at dealing with other people) it’s me. I am using our messy relationship to hurt myself when I am at a loss with my emotions.
So, I’ve been having a bug up my ass all night. First I couldn’t get to bed. Once I was finally in there I couldn’t read myself tired the way I use to when I’m not tired at bedtime (this might sound a little weird … well maybe even a lot, but I try to have some rules regarding turn in and turn out time. Otherwise I would just go to sleep whenever and get up when its convenient or when I have an appointment. And thats truly not the way I want to spend my days … call me crazy if you must, you wouldn’t be the first) I finally fell asleep at 2 am only to be waken up by whatever at 4 am. Try as I might I couldn’t get back to lalaland, so here I am trying to figure out what’s been keeping me up.
In light of my newfound – but not yet fully polished and still somewhat shaky – inspiration I can hazard a guess as to what happend yesterday. Firstly I had a busy day. I have been doing some filing, some bill paying and other long overdue miscellaneous stuff. And I did my christmas mail. That was quite an emotional trip, what with me having broken off nearly every contact to my friends in the last two years due to borderline and bulimia flailing up but still trying to write something heartfelt to everybody I am fond of. In between I had to have my first group therapy session – meeting new people, not always easy for me at the best of times. And when I got home I needed to do the really heavy lifting, emotional wise, on my christmas mail. Nestled in there was a postcard to S. who I haven’t heard from in some time and who is not doing so good right now himself. Writing this card brought me to the very brink of my emotional stability. I felt like my heart was going to burst and I didn’t know why. I have not been in love with him for quite some time and come to think of it I don’t think I ever really was in love with him. Some kind of infatuation, maybe even a slight obsession but not love. I tried to shake it of, tried to divert my attention but nothing really stuck. And so I got into bed way to late and way to strained. No wonder I couldn’t come down of it, I was high as a kite on emotions I couldn’t deal with.
So I have been having trouble with my emotions for half a day. There was lots of fear over how my long silence and subsequent up cropping would come across as. Lots of tension over going into a new situation, meeting new people and having therapy in general – which is not easy let me tell you. And surely some emotions I haven’t figured out yet – I’m still very much at the beginning of learning to pinpoint my emotional state of mind, so bear with me please :). And than, bam, there was my behavioral problem ready for the taking. I grabbed me two fist full and ran for the hills so to speak.
I have been binging and purging nearly non stop ever since I started to write my christmas mail. Right now I don’t have any inclination to eat a thing. If this is how progress feels like I just made a major breakthrough motivational wise.
Thank you B. for helping me figure this one out.