I don’t want to, please don’t make me

I am staying with my family in Cologne for the holidays and I expect trouble of the high emotional kind. Last year I came clean about my bulimia, money and life and that didn’t go down to easily. This year I might be a little bit wiser about the nature of my condition but sadly no more accomplished in handling it than I was the year before. So many new kinds of emotions are going to hammer down on me any minute now.

Aaaaand here we go …

I’m gonna have to start dealing with the fact, that the way I eat has an effect on people. – Just moments ago my father asked me if it was possible for me to stop gobbling down so much food when we where hanging out together because it hurt him. He said it in the nicest way possible and my first reaction was to say Sure. No problem. But right now sitting here thinking about what just happend, I just get more and more terrified. I have never had to be conscient about other peoples feelings regarding the way I eat. It was just never an issue since nobody was aware that there was anything. Now people know the truth. Now I have to be aware of my own feelings and those of others. How the fuck am I going to do that!? I suspect it won’t be long until I start sneaking around food wise. To be honest I’m not sure I want to, but I’m equally less surer if I have the capability to restrain myself.

I am feeling myself slip into selfmutilation mode. One second I feel myself thinking How much of a self absorbed person must you be that you never even considered what other people might feel watching you hurt yourself? You are not even worthy of other peoples attention. You are a human failure. And then I try to assure myself that it is ok. That I have enough to do taking care of my feelings, at least for now. That it is a process. And all that reassuring shit. And the next second I feel like a sad excuse for a human beeing for beeing so utterly selfish. But am I not allowed to be selfish? I’m ill. I’m figuring things out as I go along. For now at least I don’t know any better.

But I do know. I do know that what I do effects other people I just chose to ignore it. And there I am feeling selfish again.

Right now at this prescise moment there it is again I can’t do this anymore I’m not cut out for it. I am not strong enough to face the consequences of my actions.

FUCK I thought I was over that shit train of thought.


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