Me – Honest As Shit

So this is me

… right as if it was that easy.

Lets try the standards. By my last account I am 31 years old. But that is going to change in a few weeks so don’t cling to it :). I live in Mainz a smallish city near Frankfurt. I have studied bookscience and german for longer than I care to admit, until I finally faced the music and admitted that I couldn’t cut the mustard studywise. I quit last year. Since then I’m meandering around.

So I am out of work and searching frantically. But it’s never that easy, isn’t it? Because, I don’t really now what kind of a job I want or could be good at. I trained as a bookseller after school. But this road is closed because of my bad back and and the psychological trash I took away from that apprenticeship. I am good at many things, but haven’t learned anything properly. I love books in any shape, form and medium. And I would very much like to be a person that makes new books. But that ship has sailed since I didn’t finish my studies in the proper way. I love new tech and finding out what the programs on my mac can do. If you would chain me to a computer all day, I would say Thank you and could I have some tea to go with that?. I can organise and coordinate your socks of, and on again if need be.

I am suffering from bulimia nervosa since the autumn of 2005, the time I started studying in Mainz. This is going to be a very large topic since, right know, it’s the thing that occupies me and my thoughts the most. Following this will be the fact, that earlier this year I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I have been in therapy since 2008 but since a few weeks ago I’m in a special borderline therapy program. I won’t lie to you, it’s fucking hard to try to change things that have been edged in your behavior  for longer than you can remember. There are so many new things to figure out, old things to discard and connections to be made, that it feels sometimes overwhelming as hell. But the good thing  -the thing I must always remember and never forget- is, that I want to change! I want to get to know a me that is troubled by lesser, more ordinary, demons. I want to understand my feelings/emotions and handle them accordingly. I want to be able to enter into a fulfilling and meaningful relationship -someday. Most days I don’t think I am worthy to be loved. I don’t understand why people would want to love or even like me, I don’t think I deserve it. This is no affectation this is the real deal.

I am single -you can cling to that– this status won’t change anytime soonMost days I’m happy with that. I am in no position to navigate a relationship right now, I know and understand that. And as I said, most days this is an ok state of being. But there are those moments when my monkey brain cries out for some tenderness and appreciation, some love and warmth, someone who can stand tall in between my chaotic everything, someone who is there for me and me alone. Yep, I want everything. But until I have learned to stand on my own and be the only one responsible for me, there is no way I can have that. So I try to work on my issues -there is a multitude of them going around, sadly and be patient till the day that I will finally be a real girl.

Why am I here?

I am a detective by heart. I can never walk by anything and not notice everything. Mostly my observations get filed away for later. My brain scans everything, evaluates most of it, makes connections and then outputs its findings. Sometimes I desperately need to air out my brain. I need a place where I can talk about stupid stuff, about important stuff, about painful stuff, about embarrassing stuff and all the little things in between.

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