Under constant construction
- B.: My flatmate. Sometimes wise beyond her age and yet sometimes so utterly helpless with the day-to-day goings-on. She is my rock and the person I want to turn to before I think of anybody else. During the worst period of my life I could count on her without even needing to ask. I feel incredible lucky to have met her and that we took the chance to move in together. Sometimes she gets on my nerves and sometimes it works the other way around. But in the end we just klick and that’s the important part.
- borderline personality disorder: BPD for short or for me just borderline. Issues with emotions, self-image, interpersonal relationships and behaviour are regular also black-and-white thinking and severe mood instabilities. Oftentimes borderliners tend to self-harm. In some cases this manifests in cutting oneself, trying to put oneself in harmful situations like walking on train tracks or living out an eating disorder. These are harmful attempts to try and handle feelings and emotions because usually borderliners have not learned to handle these in a healthy and productive way. There are varying degrees of borderline manifestations. I have been diagnosed in the summer of 2012 and now learn what it means for me to have borderline. It’s hard, it’s unfair and right now mostly unpleasant, but it’s my life.
- brother: Sometimes L.. Half-brother on my mothers side. Son of stepfather. The annoying little thing that drew away my mothers attention when I was 11. But I still love him frightfully no matter what. He is the only one who can absolutely relate to the way I grew up and understands the burning hatred I feel for our mother better than anyone -no wonder, he feels the same way. He just started university and if all goes according to plan he is going to be a big-ass lawyer when he grows up -if he grows up, which I hope takes him as long as me :) not the lawyer-thing, mind you.
- bulimia nervosa: One type of eating disorder. Sufferer tends to binge on food and then purge himself afterwards through vomiting, laxatives or excessive physical activity in order to cope with situations and emotions he doesn’t know how to handle otherwise. I have bulimia since 2007 ever since I started studying. Until spring ’11 -when I stopped studying, go figure- I had some semblance of controle over it but since then it very much spiraled out of it. As of christmas ’11 I am an active fighter against my bulimia and through the additional diagnosis of a borderline personality disorder I now have a chance to maybe one day finally kick it’s butt to the curb.
- family: I have a nerve-wreckingly big and disorganised family, strewn over half of Europe and a little bit of Asia, with whom I have nearly no contact at all … although I wished this would be different. I have a mother I hate with every fibre of my being. I have a father I don’t really know at all but would very much like to. I have a brother I love dearly but sadly don’t talk to as often as I should. I have a stepfather who isn’t really that at all, but who is always there for me (as sappy as that sounds). And much much more. I love them all, exception see above, and technically I know they love me back.
- father: The man who made me … not only in the biological sense. Although he wasn’t much present during the time I grew up this too was formative. After I moved out of my mothers flat at age 18 we rekindled, but it’s hard for me to take him the way a father should be taken. We try but it’s hard. Ever since I came clear about my bulimia our relationship grew a little bit stronger. I think mainly because for the first time I felt his interest in me. Which doesn’t mean he wasn’t interested in me before just that his concern for me felt reassuring of his love for me.
- L.: see brother
- mother: The bitch who made me who I am. Thank you so much for fucking me up you little cunt. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for you. So again, thank you so very very much. Fuck you and your puny little life.
- S.: Some guy I met in a bar. Naa, just fwy :) I met him during my stay at the mental fascility in February 2012. I latched on to him because he conveyed helplessness, sensibility and a sort of darkness I tend to be drawn to. He suffers from a severe form of anxiety disorder. I fell a little bit in love with him and would not have minded something more than friendship. But alas it was not to be and in the end I think this might be for the best. With me being ill and him being ill it would have made a fucked up volatile combination.
- stepfather: The man who has literally raised me although he didn’t have to since he is isn’t really my stepfather at all. I have decided to call him that because he was the next best thing to a father when I grew up. Be they personal, technical or imaginary problems he is always open to hear me ramble about and more usually than not he has something poignant and helpful to say in reply. He had a tough time with me growing up and doing everything contrary to what he knew was right. And now that I am older I wished sometimes I’d been a little less stubborn and had listened a little bit more to what he had to say. But I had to make those mistakes on my own in order to understand them. Every day I see a little more of him in me and I am eternally grateful for that.
- suicide: I tried to kill myself on February, 8 2012. I want to write more on this but it will take some time. So tbc …
- therapy: The thing I do to maybe someday potentially possibly get better. Consists of single- and group-sessions once a week respectively. I will learn not to be suicidal, be mindful to myself, to value and accept myself and my physical appearance, relate to others and above all I will learn to cope with my emotions though skills and not self-harm -the healthy and productive way, mind you. It’s hard as shit and since I’m only at the beginning I don’t see much advancement, but it is there even if it’s only marginal right now. My therapist is lovely and very competent and I think we will do great things together. (Note to self: Read this whenever you want to give up. This is important!)