I don’t want to, please don’t make me

I am staying with my family in Cologne for the holidays and I expect trouble of the high emotional kind. Last year I came clean about my bulimia, money and life and that didn’t go down to easily. This year I might be a little bit wiser about the nature of my condition but sadly no more accomplished in handling it than I was the year before. So many new kinds of emotions are going to hammer down on me any minute now. (more…)


Some seriously important lightbulb-action going on here

I just figured something very important out. Several things to be precise.

On a more general note: One reason why I have not been able to sustain a healthy relationship is because whenever I might have the possibility of being happy I automatically manipulate said relationship to the point where I can be hurt by it. Why am I doing this? Because I ultimately don’t believe that I am worthy of someone else’s love and therefor no one can love me. Also and maybe more importantly, I use relationships, intimate, friendly or social, as problem behaviour meaning I use them to redirect myself in an ultimately harmful way whenever I am not able to cope with my emotions. This is a borderline dysfunction similar to cutting – which I don’t do – and binging/purging – which unfortunately I do. (more…)